You guys. We’re getting reallllll close to the end of this season of the Bachelor. What the hell are we going to talk about on Tuesdays from now on?! If I didn’t have the Bachelor to talk about right now, I would pout to you about how I’m out of coffee and how I felt like I was going to cry yesterday while I was out shooting photos in the wind because I was shaking so hard, I could barely hold still. All that is quite boring compared to the Bachelor. But seriously, I really wish I had a cup of coffee right now. What is it about coffee that it just sets the tone for the day?! WHAT IS IT?!

Wait, before you go asking me if potatoes are paleo, read this. Then decide for yourself, because you are an adult and that’s what adults get to do.

Ok, so let’s review last night. It was 3 hours…and if I’m being honest, I had to shut it down after 2. I can’t let my brain fry like that for that long. It’s exhausting. Hearing women yell over each other is painful. My brain can’t keep all the screaming organized and it just shuts down. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s chat about the 1 hour Bachelor event. The producers start off the show on a super awkward note with Raven mentioning that Nick is good at his job then skipping through the town of Djfkaljf;alkyd Finland. It’s all implying that she had her first orgasm and all of us feel extremely uncomfortable knowing that fact. How did the producers talk her into this and make her think that she won’t regret doing this? Do you think she’s sitting next to her parents watching all of this? If I had to share this moment with my father, along with the rest of America, I would never be able to look him in the eye again. But maybe that’s just me and my super prudish personality. You know me, total prude.

Next is Rachel’s date…and surprise surprise, nothing happens. They cross country ski, she sucks at it. They talking about being vulnerable and scared and remind us that the Bachelor completely ruined the word vulnerable for all of us. None of us can ever use that word now because it won’t it be taken seriously. Anywho, instead of sporting of turtleneck that he’s drowning in, Nick wears a hat that he doesn’t pull down all the way, so all of his 90’s boy band curls sprout out of the bottom. And that’s it. Nothing.

Next up, Vanessa. They do some cold dunk tank to hot sauna routine and get kind of delirious off it so they continue to repeat it then talk about their relationship status. Smart move. Vanessa mentions that relationships are all about compromise but she refuses to compromise on some things. Kind of mixed signals, Vanessa! That’s all the really happens.

The end of the episode is Rachel getting the boot. She’s all sad but she keeps her sh*t together. Most likely because she is crushing it in the gown game AND because I’m sure the producers mentioned her being the next Bachelorette. So she’s leaving with the upper hand and doesn’t give AF. That’s all that happens. Are you bored yet?

The rest of the night, THE NEXT 2 HOURS, was spent on the women tell all. But I’m not sure why they call it that because they tell you nothing. They talk about everything we saw on camera and make a big deal about things that weren’t a big deal. Telling us ALL would be giving us the scoop behind the scenes of the real 90% of sh*t that went down. I hate you, ABC. What the women tell all actually is, is a bunch of hot women all coming together and making us wonder if we even watched the show with the same women. Like who the hell is Elizabeth who called Corinne a slob kabob? You can’t call someone a slob kabob when you accidentally walked onto the wrong set instead of the Nashville set. You just can’t.

So here’s what happened in the 2 hours:

• Liz empowered women to sleep with whoever they want and to not let the world judge you for your past choices. You go Glen Coco.
• Corinne and Taylor yelled at each other.
• Josephine chose to wear black lipstick.
• Alexis proved that she has the whitest teeth known to man.
• Rachel got hair extensions.
• They cut the bloopers too short.
• ABC proved that they are better at building friendships rather than relationships.

That’s all we got. If they had a 1 hour show filled with all bloopers, now THAT is a show more people would watch. ABC should really contact me, I know a thing or two.

I wish I could talk more about the show but I’m craving a big ole’ cup of Jo. So Jackson and I are heading out to get me a coffee buzz and get him a whipped cream buzz. Cheers to Tuesday!

Now for real, go make this recipe NOW!